One question that keeps coming up time and time again in our trainings is how to deal with triggers?
When we feel angry or upset, instead of using that energy to guide us constructively, we often get defensive and shut down. We may even act out our insecurities and, in doing so, loose credibility. We end up pushing away the very results we want because we’re too busy resisting the people we’re dealing with.
When someone says something that triggers you, remind yourself not to react immediately. Easier said than done. But it’s a skill we have to develop if we are to navigate the complexity of business with any strength.
Learn instead to pause and then reflect on what is happening. Silence is your power. And in that silence, imagine catching the offense in the palm of your hand without letting it penetrate your personal energy field. It’s just sitting there in your hand, far away from your center, in a safe enough place for you to examine it.
People’s first reaction is usually to assume the other person is an idiot, jerk, selfish priiii…. etc. And on some level, their behaviour does reflect a lack of self-awareness. When we’re aware, we own our stuff and try not to project onto others. We remember that whenever we blame other people and paint ourselves as “right” or “the victim”, we’ve slipped into weakness. We’re not facing our vulnerability and taking responsibility for it. And our vulnerability is a HUGE source of strength — if we face it, own it and be compassionate with it.
So, when everything in you wants to react, refrain. Hold that energy. Breathe. Consolidate and don’t allow yourself to wobble back and forth like a huge pile of angry jelly. Keep your poise. Maintain your power.
And in those few moments of reflection and pause, ask yourself kindly and without judgment: “Why am I feeling this way? Why is this important to me?” You can also ask the other person to clarify what they actually mean. The more dispassionate you remain, the more you can unpack and resolve a tense moment quickly and productively. You’ll be amazed at what you discover when you ask honest questions, and you’ll more likely create the positive results you hope for.
If you fall into habitual reaction with emotion, you’ve lost the game. You’ll get sucked back into the low-level drama, projection and fuzzy thinking that leads nowhere but down.
Of course, in the moment we often think we don’t have time to pause and examine the truth. But that is absolutely not the case. We can always give ourselves the precious gift of time even when others are demanding a fast response. You have the power to hold the moment if you so wish. Make them wait. You never need be sucked into someone else’s wobbly energy. You dictate your own rhythm. This is an act of self-care in times of stress, and as such, imperative.
Taking your time in a world that pushes you to react immediately is a powerful act. It says “I am strong”. While everyone else is tearing around like headless chickens, you will buy the time needed to centre yourself under pressure and ask the important questions for clarification. It helps you address the assumptions you and others have made and gives you unique insights that can never be found in any leadership or self-help book. No one knows the nuance of your situation but you.
And when you learn to stop feeling pressured, you start to see a path forward.
So, train yourself to catch the offense in your hand before it penetrates, look at it with interest and see what you find. And don’t take any of it personally. See the other person for what they are — a fragile human who is just as confused as you. Some one else’s reaction is about them and means nothing about who you are.
When we can rise above the emotional reactions, we become powerful. We start to dominate our mind-set. And people love controlled strength. It makes them feel safe. And you are more likely to inspire change when people trust you.
Sounds simple and yet this is hard to do. So, be patient and set your daily intention to remain calm in the eye of the storm. And when you fall down, which you will, just get back up. And congratulate yourself for noticing the deviation. Not many do.
Amy Tez is founder of Radical Collective Ltd, a coaching and consultancy practice that delivers masterclasses on pitching, executive presence and killer communication skills. She has coached over 1000 Seed and Series A+ tech companies and shares leadership insights at www.amytez.com/blog
